Sometimes the Truth Hurts

It seems like every time we go to the clinic things just get more complicated. We have become terrified to answer the phone each time our clinic calls. Nate and I have been seeing doctors and having tests done for the last six months and at first we were excited to be finally getting answers but now we find ourselves afraid of the harsh reality. We never realized how complicated things were going to be. I don't think we realized exactly what we were getting ourselves into when we starting seeing doctors because we never thought things would be so complicated. Infertility is becoming more common now then ever before but even still we NEVER thought it would ever happen to us. It has been a really hard reality to face and at times it still doesn't seem real.
Our testing seemed simple at first, I got a few blood tests which found that my hormones were either extremely low or extremely high. With hormones, balance is key. My body is not able to ovulate with my current hormone levels. I was a little sad over receiving this news but I wasn't surprised. I had a lot of signs of not ovulating and was kind of expecting it. I wasn't too upset because I knew that this could be fixed with treatment. One of the blood tests was an antimalarian test which tests for levels of stimulation. My test came back positive meaning that I would do great to stimulants. The plan was to go on chlomid which stimulates ovulation and egg production. Nate and I were actually excited to get the news because we thought that it would fix everything and we would be on our way. The only thing left was to get Nate's thought to be simple semen analysis done just as precaution before we could start chlomid. We honestly never thought the semen analysis would be anything but great and so when it wasn't we were devastated. My OBGYNs office called me at work and literally told me that they couldn't help us anymore because things were too complicated for their practice and that we would need IVF treatments to get pregnant. Talk about shock! We went from needing just a simple medication to get pregnant to needing IVF! I seriously cried for months and at times still do!
When we finally got into see an infertility specialist we were beyond nervous but excited to be seeing someone who knew what they were talking about. We are with Dr. Conway who is AMAZING! On our first visit she was extremely calm, happy, friendly, understanding, patient, and best of all Hopeful. She sat with us and answered every single question that was racing though our minds and gave us the reassurance that we needed.  She explained in perfect detail how our results were looking and what we had to look forward too.
We are learning that infertility is SO complex and different for everyone. In our case both Nate and I need a little fixing. For my part, through some more testing my doctor diagnosed me with hypothyroidism which is causing the unbalanced hormones. They also found that I actually am ovulating but not regularly and it's very unpredictable due to low hormones. I will need to be on Synthroid which is a thyroid medication which basically helps stimulate the production of hormones. They found that without this I probably will have a hard time holding on to a pregnancy because of the low hormone levels. My doctor thinks that this could be the reason I miscarried the first time.  My ultrasound found that my eggs are healthy but somethings are still weird about whats going on so I had an hsg and endometrial biopsy to get a better look into things. Holy moly talk about uncomfortable! The biopsy was definitely not a fun experience. We should have those results back in the next few weeks when we meet with our doctor again. Through the HSG exam they found out that I have a heart shaped uterus which doesn't necessarily interfere with getting pregnant or holding on to a pregnancy but it will make delivery difficult and may cause developmental issues as the fetus gets larger in size. I'm nervous and kinda freaking out about all of this because I have always been very healthy and never had any complications. Now all of this is coming out at once and anyone can see why it is a lot to take in. I'm now on synthroid for life to help with my thyroid. So Weird! But at least things look healthy so far and can be dealt with! I am very grateful for that! Now for my sweetheart Nathan! So many assume that infertility is a female problem when in reality it is equally on the males side. For Nathan, we found that he is producing sperm which is good news but they are not in any condition to allow pregnancy. Nate's sperm levels are extremely low and they have very little motility and deformed morphology. In numbers, a good amount in one specimen is above 5000, Nate's numbers are less than 2000. A good motility is above 40 and we are at 6, and our morphology is less than 50% as well. This has been the hardest news yet. It breaks my heart to see so much pressure on Nate. I wish that I could put all the blame on me. Nate's always the one to stay positive in difficult times. He is my rock and has always been the calm reassuring one in the relationship. He always looks at the positive in life and has been absolutely amazing through all of this! He puts on a really good face but I can tell how hard it is for him. This breaks my heart most of all. It hurts so badly to see him suffering. So where do we go from here? Nate and I are hoping for IUI treatments before IVF if possible. IUI is when they basically spin or send the sperm swimming through a maze which weeds out the unhealthy immobile ones and only takes the healthiest. I will be on hormones to help with ovulation. Once I'm ovulating regularly they will  surgically inject the concentrated sperm straight into my fallopian tubes during ovulation. It saves a lot of travel for the healthy sperm as it puts them literally right next to the egg so very little effort is needed.
 Luckily, IVF or IUI doesn't take all healthy sperm and eggs. These treatments kind of bypass a lot of things that could be wrong. So in order for us to do IUI we have to get Nate production increased to more than 5000. How do we do that? HORMONES! Who knew that hormones were so important? Nates also scheduled for a urology consult next week so hopefully we will find a cause or something to help! Dr. Conway, Nate, and I all have high hopes for this if we can get the sperm count up. It's half the cost of IVF and Dr. Conway says we will have a 70% chance of success if all goes as planned. So as for now that is where our hearts and prays lye. If we can't get the numbers increased then our next step is IVF. Nate's been on super vitamins and we sent in a second semen analysis about three weeks ago. We haven't heard anything yet and every time I call the clinic, they refuse to give me the results stating that our doctor has to read the results to us in person. This has been making us really nervous because it gives us the impression that something is again not right and will need further treatments. So the truth definitely has been hurting. I just have to remind myself that in the scriptures, every miracle first started as a problem and through god all things are possible. Only god knows how it all turns out and for those who belong to him, it will all turn out well!

Even Miracles Take A Little Time

Sorry for the long post but here we go. Our story. I dedicate this post to wonderful Disney. Almost every little girl dreams of what their life will be like when they are older. I grew up watching and loving the Disney princess movies... (Beauty and the Beast being my favorite) and dreaming of my someday fairy tail. I remember dreaming of my very handsome prince charming that would love and adore me and how I would love and adore him back. I would dream of having a home with a large family. Our home would be full of laughter, giggles, smiles, hugs, and kisses. At one point I remember seriously wanting like twelve children. I always thought big families were the way to go! Well that far away fairy tale was really not that far away at all. Before I knew it I had met my very handsome prince charming that I absolutely more than adore. I feel SO INCREDIBLY blessed to have found him. He treats me like a queen and is the most gentle, kind, loving, faithful, worthy prince any princess could ask for. We were married and sealed together for time and for all eternity in the LDS salt lake city temple/Castle! That was truly the happiest day of our lives. My fairy tale was coming true! Only a few months later we bought our first home together! I adore this home! It's little and old but the happiness that is felt here is unconditional. I truly do live a fairy tale but the only thing missing is the sweet laughter of our someday children... Nate and I LOVE children and have always wanted a big family. We decided it was our time to add to our family back in September 2012. We tried for about nine months when it finally happened! We were pregnant. We were excited and very nervous all at the same time. We couldn't be happier but... something wasn't right. I carried up until week 14 when I then miscarried. That was the most devastating day. To feel so close to something and then to have it taken from us so abruptly. (I will share that earlier post from my previous blog for those who would like to read it.) I allowed my heart and body to recover for a few months before we decided it was time yet again. We tired and hoped, and hoped some more but as each month passed by we became more devastated. I started having irregular spotting at the most random times so I finally broke down and went to my doctor. They ran a few tests and found that I wasn't ovulating and my hormones were all over the place. The doctors were hopeful and told me that it wasn't anything that couldn't be fixed. The plan was to start Clomid which is a drug to help stimulate your egg production and ovulation. Things seemed okay at the time but then we got the call... Not only am I not ovulating but Nate isn't producing sperm. Our doctors office basically told us that it was too complicated for them and that we were going to need much more help than we anticipated. That was such a sad and emotional day. Our dreams of having children were slipping further and further away. We took some time to let it sink in. I work in the mother/baby unit in the hospital and I see the effects of infertitily constantly. I NEVER thought that we would be one to deal with infertility. I never could have imagined it would be us. Some day's it feels like a bad dream and I can't wait for it to end. Not all days are bad but some days are definitely harder than others. People say inconsiderate unintelligent things not knowing of what we are going through. I try to put on a happy face but some days the pain is so bad that I find myself sobbing in the shower or crying myself to sleep so Nathan doesn't see me because I want to spare him from any pain possible.  But I know that there is hope. Cinderella Sang "No Matter How your Heart is Grieving, If you keep on believing, a dream that you wish will come true."
We have sense been with the Infertility Clinic in pleasant grove. Our doctor is Dr. Conway which we LOVE. She is amazing and everything a doctor should be! We are beginning the series of tests and exams which is going to be a long journey and we haven't even touched the surface yet... but I'll save that part for another post another day because things are very complicated right now and it seems like every time we go into the clinic things just continue to get more complicated. But I do know that miracles happen and I have witnessed them happen many times myself. I know that bad days come to an end and that good always triumphs. It's been very difficult to stay positive and keep hopeful through everything but I believe in the power of Faith! I know that the rest of our fairy tale will come true someday. I just need to stay hopeful and be patient.
Fairy God Mother once said "Even Miracles Take A Little time."

New Beginnings

 A lot of people start blogs for a lot of different reasons. Some start them to share their ideas, likes, and dislikes. Some blog to share what they are passionate about and to influence others. For some it is a business or a project and some start them to get inspiration and ideas from others. And maybe some just start them because it is something to do. So why am I starting a blog...? Well, because I recently have felt very prompted by the spirit to do so! I had a previous blog that I started a few years ago but deleted it soon after because I felt it was silly. I now have decided to start my blog back up due to the strong impressions I have been feeling for the past few months. I tried to ignore these impressions but they just kept coming back to me. I just recently listened to our wonderful LDS general conference and the feelings again came back to me so strongly during that time. I thought to myself, why would anyone want to hear my life story, why would anyone care...
As many of you might know, Nathan and I have been through a lot this past year and our joys and trials are only beginning. We have been struggling with infertility for the past two years and many of people have been wondering. I realize that everyone goes through hard and difficult times in life and maybe one of the reasons we go through dark times is to help lift others when they face similar situation. After asking myself why I should blog our story, I thought; what if our story could touch someone, even if that someone is me.... If my simple words and thoughts could make a small difference in even one persons life then my silly little blog is worth something.
So here we go..... I'm nervous but I'm sharing our story to help others who may be going through adversity and may need some encouragement along the way. I'm sharing our story to not only help others but to help myself from bottling up my emotions and dwelling on the hard times. This is my way of letting things go and growing from my trials. I want to look to the future and the joys that lay ahead! Here goes new beginnings and new chapters in our lives!