Being Happy Doesn't Mean Everything's Perfect. It Means You've Decided to Look Beyond the Imperfections!

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I'm so sorry to all the wonders, readers, supporters, friends, and followers... I have been absolutely terrible at this whole blogging thing! I promise to be better! Life the past few months has been crazy! So here's the update! I finished my last semester of nursing school! That's right.... I'M DONE! I am officially a graduate nurse! This is a dream I have had sense I was 12 years old. I had a few eye opening experiences at that age which convinced me that a Nurse was what I wanted and was meant to be!! It has been one of the hardest and most rewarding journeys I have ever gone through and I still can't believe that this dream of being a nurse is finally a reality! I'm loving this honeymoon phase I am in and never want it to end! I take my boards in a week which gives me my license to work... I'm nervous but know there's no putting it off... I just want to get it over with! I have a few awesome job interviews lined up and I'm nervous but excited to see how it all works out! I'm so loving this! Nathan started one of two of his very last semesters of business school! He is so close to being finished and we can not wait! He has been having interviews all month and we are getting so excited for him to finish school and start one of these great jobs lined up! Life seems to be looking up for us in the career and school department but there's always the family business on the back of our minds that seems to put a damper on things. We are still waiting to find out the results of Nate's surgery! If it helped or not. If you don't remember, our odds are pretty high but still you never really know and can't really deviate from gods plan. We go in this next month to re-draw lab work and figure out a plan... they promise a real plan this time but hah... it seems to never go as planned! Without knowing our results, we have been persistent about watching and trying on our own but still nothing.... It's so much work! But at least it's fun! (Wink wink) I don't know why we go through trials but I know there is always a reason and everything in life has a purpose. Nathan and I have a personal goal to go to the temple at least once a month... we have stayed true to that goal sense being married and can definitely see how it blesses and plays a role in our lives and marriage. So we went to the temple a couple of months ago with a few personal questions in mind and the whole time I just balled like a baby! I balled because I knew the answer to my questions even before going to the temple... My answer was to stop worrying about it! I was doing all that I personally could and now I needed to be patient and have faith! It's the same answer every time and I knew better! Just be patient! It's not easy and some days are much more difficult than others but we're trying! One certain question Nate and I both asked was well..... ADOPTION?! I have always loved the idea of adopting even before being married but one of the questions I asked in the temple was if adoption is right for us? Nathan and I both felt good about it and have been looking into it!  I know that there are many reasons as to why we can not have a baby right now and maybe one of those reasons are because there is a little one out there that we need to find first! We are both excited but it will be a long process and we want to get our next lab results before starting that process. I have had so many thoughts running through my head the last few months and I was letting them consume me and get me down! One great blessing about going to the temple is how it clears your mind and makes you think straight! Nathan and I decided right then and there that we were done worrying! Worrying is so silly and just like everyone else, We still have our days but we're done! We decided to be happy and enjoy what we have now! We know that there is a time for everything and as each day moves on, things move a little closer! In the mean time, Nate and I started a bucket list of things to do together! We are so excited about our little list! It gets bigger all the time and both Nate and I LOVE crossing one of our adventures off and love even more doing them! It is such an accomplishment and we feel like we are living life and loving every minute of it! Life is too short to worry and we figure that we are doing our part and the rest will fall into place when the time is right, whether it's through adoption or IVF... either way Life is good and it's meant to be and we'll keep you up on our progress. I'm sure that we will continue to have our ups and downs because that's just part of life! But at least we have each other and our own agency to choose how to live! Happiness starts with you, not with your relationships, not with you job, not with your money, but with you! Happiness is a Choice! Being Happy Doesn't Mean that Everything is Perfect... It means You've Decided to Look Beyond the Imperfections! It's your choice! I know that I will have to continue to remind myself, especially when times get hard but today and always we choose to be Happy!

(P.S the pictures above are recent! I am always getting new pictures taken of us because "US" is what I cherish most in life and I can't get enough of... So there will always be a lot!)

True Love NEVER Fails!

The Best Times to Show TRUE LOVE are When it Isn’t Easy and It Requires Personal SACRIFICE.

                When it comes to infertility, most of what I blog about has happened a few months previous. I don’t write about it right away because both Nathan and I have to process the information ourselves, accept our reality, mourn or celebrate depending on the status, and then do something about it. We have to be spiritually prepared to share and try to see the big picture. So my posts are long but the whole fertility process is long and complicated so it’s very fitting.

                So I got another round of blood tests drawn, which always make me sick to my stomach because I know how much each vial of blood drawn is costing us. Who knew that those routine lab draws I do on my patients at work are costing some of them an arm and a leg. I have so much more respect for people with illnesses that practically live in the hospital. I realize just how much medical debt they are recruiting and how financially devastating health issues can be. My heart goes out to all of them! So my tests all came back great! I’ve been on Synthroid for about two months now and it slowly regulating everything. All my hormones are getting back to where they need to be and my last cycle was awesome! Yay! So I’m set! We will check my levels again in three months and see how things are continuing! Hopefully only progress!

                Around the same time we also go Nathans labs. All of his hormone levels came back normal but his semen analysis was about the same with a little increase in the quantity but still terrible motility. The motility is what really matters. We were actually kind of hoping that his hormones were off because then it would give us an answer and a plan of action. But with Nate’s hormone levels being normal (which we are grateful for), it puts us back to square 1… We didn’t have an answer as to why Nathan was not producing and the doctors at that point would not put Nathan on hormones. They explained why he didn’t need them and why they wouldn’t help. His labs are normal so hormone therapy wouldn’t do anything for him or his production. We were bummed because we were back to not having any answers and the start of more testing but we were relieved that his labs were normal because it means that physically, his endocrine system is healthy. So we felt a little lost of where to go from here. Our doctor suggested that we see a fertility urologist who specializes in male infertility reasons, to take a deeper look into things. Getting all the labs and documents for that process was quite the hassle. But it was all worth it because Dr. Hotaling was extremely thorough! Through Nate’s examination with Dr. Hotaling (Fertility urologist) we found that Nate had Varicoceles. Varicoceles are basically varicose veins on the testicles. They can be a common cause to male infertility. Dr. Hotaling explained that Varicoceles do two major things to the sperm. #1: the increase in blood flow to the testicles increases the temperature. The testicles are very touchy when it comes to temperature and need to be at least 4 degrees cooler than the basil body temperature for ideal sperm production. That is why they are outside of the body. The increased temperature can cause a decrease in overall sperm production causing decreased quantity. #2: Varicoceles can cause increased pressure on the testicles which results in damaging the sperm and it’s DNA. Dr. Hotaling explained that the increased pressure essentially chops up the sperms DNA causing deformity of the sperm which would explain the decreased morphology and motility and it can ultimately increase a couples chances of miscarrying if they do become pregnant. The doctor explained that that could have been the possible reason as too our miscarriage. But who really knows? Dr. Hotaling was actually shocked that we ever were even able to get pregnant with Nathans numbers and stated that we would probably NEVER be able to conceive on our own naturally without fixing the veins.

                So how do we fix them? Sadly it’s not the most fun. Nate would have to go in for surgery to have them tied off. I was extremely hesitant because who knew if that was the reason for our bad numbers and I would never make Nate go through anything like that unless it was 100% what he wanted. I didn’t think that he would decide right then because I thought we would want to research and process the news but to my surprise Nate was optimistic and didn’t even hesitate. He wanted to do the surgery and he scheduled it himself that very day. I pretty much burst into tears. I felt so terrible that Nate would have to go through this but mostly I felt such gratitude for his sacrifice for me. After leaving the appointment, Nathan asked me why I was crying. I stated because I felt terrible that he would have to have surgery. I wish that there was another way. I also felt more grateful for him and what he was doing for us. I expressed how much it meant to me. More than anything in my life. Nate wasn’t upset at all and was actually extremely happy and optimistic. He held me close in his arms as he explained that he wanted to be a father more than anything else in life and wanted me to be a mother. He stated that he would do anything in his power to get us there and was so happy that they found something that was a possible reason for our situation. He stated that he felt strongly that by having the surgery, we are showing our faith and determination to God. We are showing our determination, faithfulness, and that we are willing to sacrifice anything. By doing our part and showing our faith, the lord will follow through with his part. Now let me tell everyone, THAT is PURE TRUE LOVE! When someone you love is willing to give up everything for your happiness it is the real deal! I couldn’t be more grateful, attracted, in-love, blessed, or closer to my sweetheart during this time! He truly is my superman and I am so amazed by his strength every day! I realize that with him by my side, I am able to be the best I can be! I feel that Nathan is truly my greatest blessing in life and makes me so much better! I feel so beyond words grateful for his sacrifice. The Best Times to Show TRUE LOVE are When it Isn’t Easy and It Requires Personal SACRIFICE.

On the day of surgery, we were both nervous but feeling hopeful for the possibilities that this procedure could bring. 80% of men with varicoceles that have a varicocelectomy, have an increase and success in sperm production. 20% won’t have a change at all. Either way, if we don’t take care of them, they will only get progressively worse so it doesn’t hurt. The surgery was only supposed to take 40minutes total and ended up taking almost two hours. Once Nate was in recovery, Dr. Hotaling requested to see me in a private conference room. I was a little nervous because I didn’t know what to expect. Dr. Hotaling stated that it went well but took a long time because Nathan had 8 varicoceles! EIGHT!!!! That is a ton. I was stunned! I asked Dr. Hotaling if that was a lot and he replied that is definitely was. He stated that most men who have varicoceles may have one or two and rarely over 4. Nate Had Double that and not only did he have a lot but they were massive. He showed me pictures and explained possible outcomes. Dr. Hotaling stated that he feels strongly that it will help our situation and the increase in production. It won't fix everything and who knows if it will even work but our chances are high!

                Nathan is recovering with only a few minor complications along the way but overall he is healing well and will forever be my superman. We won’t know the success of the varicocelectomy until about August or September because it takes a minimum of three months for sperm to develop. So what a man did three months ago will show in his sperm three months later. Kind of crazy how sensitive and complicated things can get. We will do another round of testing in August and if our numbers have improved then we can start the IUI and Chlomid process! We feel grateful and happy with the process that we are making and for our current plan. We are getting closer to being with our little ones each day! We are so blessed that things aren’t more complicated than they already are and we pray for those that are dealing with much worse!

                Infertility is never an easy process. In reality, it is so so hard. Probably one of the most challenging things both Nate and I have ever faced.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it and it doesn’t hurt. Nathan and I feel strongly and believe that as long as we do our part, the lord will do his. We have faith! On days that I feel inpatient I just have to tell myself “You will get there when you are meant to get there and not one moment sooner. So relax, breathe, and be patient.” God doesn’t give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we are given!

Every Minute You are Angry, You Lose a Minute of Possible Happiness

Most everyone is somehow affected by infertility.  We may all have to deal with it at one point in life whether it’s you personally who is being affects or it’s your brother, sister, son, daughter, family member, neighbor, friend, co-worker, ex. Most all of us have been affected by it somehow. Regardless of how you are affected, infertility is usually an uncomfortable and hard subject to deal with. It’s hard for us who are going through it to stay positive and it can be difficult for those who are not, to understand it. Everyone has a different perspectives on it and that’s okay. I’m here to inform you that even though it is uncomfortable, it is surprisingly not a bad thing.

Nathan and I have been dealing with the effects of infertility for almost three years now which is not really that long compared to others but even still it is one of the hardest trials we have had to face thus far. There is nothing that can compare to the feelings of wanting a child so dearly but not being able to have it. In the LDS culture we view family as our number one priority and are kind of expected to get married and bring children into this world to be raised in good righteous homes. So anyone can see why it would become devastating when a person is not able to fulfil that covenant at this time. I have seen many of people that are suffering become angry and bitter at god. They begin to resent him and they ask and pray as to why they are suffering and may become inpatient with god’s answers and timing. They being to push people away and those who are close to them. They become easily offended and take things personal. I’m definitely not perfect and I have experienced these same feelings of bitterness myself. I have felt the many emotions that come with infertility but one thing I have not done is lost faith. To all of you who have been hurt in life, I want you to know that god has not forgotten about you. God does not give us trials in life so we can become bitter, lose friends and family, or to suffer. He is not punishing us. In fact it’s quite opposite. He is reminding us that he is there to help us and he wants us to come unto him. I honestly feel that we are given trials in life to become stronger and closer to our father in heaven by leaning on him and allowing him in our life. Always look at the positive in life. I promise that if you do, life will be so much more enjoyable and happier. Your burdens and trials will be easier to face. I try to always look at the positive and the good things I have gained and not lost through this trial of mine. Infertility has brought me closer to many of people, it has given me the privilege to help others through my experience, and has brought me new friends. It has made me a better friend as I can talk to those who are dealing with trials on a more personal level. I have grown immensely closer to my sweetheart Nathan as we go through this together as a team, and I have become so close to my father in heaven on a whole new level. I understand his thinking and way so much more. I appreciate his timing and what he has given me. I have gained total faith that  Nate and I will have children. Whether it's in this life or the next, we will have children!

I am so so blessed. One of my favorite quotes is “Every second there is someone out there who is praying to have the life that you are complaining about.” Even though infertility is so hard and hurts on such a deep level, my trials in life are so few and I am so blessed. I wouldn’t trade my life or trials for anything! For they are what bless me and shape me into who I am today.

Now I know for a fact how hard life can be. For those suffering, it is hard to stay positive and have faith at times. Especially when we don’t understand the outcome and timing of our trials. It is hard not to be bitter for those who are blessed with what you do not have. With infertility, it can be difficult at times to put on a happy face but for Nathan and my own friends, we want you to know that we truly are so ecstatic for you! We do not want anyone to be afraid to ask us questions or to tell us of their good news. Through our trial we have gained appreciation for the blessing of family and children. We now know and understand what a blessing it is to have a family and we are so so happy for you. Don’t take your little ones for granted!

If you are someone who has a family member, friend, or neighbor that is going through a hard time. Be patient and understanding. Try to be sensitive to others needs. We are also learning and nobody is perfect.  Life is meant for learning and growing.

If you are going through a trial, stay positive no matter what, don’t let life get the best of you or bring you down. Allow yourself to grow from your trials and to become stronger from them. Lean from your trials and mistakes and help others in their trials. Stay faithful and hopeful. If you do all you can do on your part, then the lord will do his!

Always remember that every day is a new day and the sun is still going to rise every morning and set every evening. Enjoy life. Remember that every minute you are angry, you lose a minute of possible happiness.

When Life gets Blurry Adjust your "Focus"

When Life gets Blurry, Adjust your Focus! I absolutely adore the art of photography. It is a hobby and passion I have always enjoyed! My love for photography began when I was very young. I remember when I received my first film camera and the feeling of excitement that it brought. Year after year I would lug my little cameras around with me, taking pictures of things I thought to be beautiful! I'm not very great at it but it is something I enjoy and want to get better at! I am so passionate about pictures because I see them as memories! My home is filled with pictures of my family because that is what I treasure the most. Nate knows that any chance I get I want to take pictures because like I said they are memories. So any time Nate wants to get me a gift or we make a bet, I want pictures! It's a little silly but it's what I love and I'm sure Nate is sick of it! Any woman knows how hard it is to get their men to cooperate for pictures and that is why I am so grateful for a husband that puts on such a great face and is so willing! He is seriously the best! He hates it but he does it for me and I couldn't be more grateful! We go through hard times in life but pictures capture the most intimate and happy moments! You can truly feel pure love with a picture! Here are a few pictures I took from our trip we just went on to celebrate our 4th Anniversary! This was my gift from Nathan and I absolutely LOVE them! Enjoy!

                                                  

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